rant about what the stupid adults are doing..no offense

i hate when people say things about kids spending so much time on the internet, on facebook, on youtube, tweeting, etc. has anyone thought about how these 'shut ins' are getting lots of real world knowledge, human like interaction, information about the world beyond these four walls? we are being unified through these 'distractions'. has anyone besides me thought about this? kids being shut in are actually safer. out there is the big big world you keep warning us about. we're scared to go out there.....j/k. but seriously? what do you expect to become of the post 9/11 adolescents? we are not going to be informed, we're either gonna be friggin scared or else stoned out of our heads! beyond that, you adults corrupted the system! we're stuck with lying politicians, economic crisis, oil issues, wars with people that go back before you were even born, and the general idiocy of humans, but on national t.v.! as i told wbns at the tax day tea party: "It's going to hurt my generation because we're not going to be able to pay off the debts that this generation has brought on," i hope that isn't considered copyright, but i said it on t.v., so hopefully it belongs to me. w/e. sorry about my rant. respond if ya want to......it's too late at night for this......

*fin.....i am the patron saint of lost causes

so i'm listening to anberlin's dismantle.repair. then the following syncronized song (*fin) and i have what i call a musical orgasm.....it's the only word i could come up with.
so i'm thinking...why does god want me? im worthless!!! then i think of peter, maybe becuz my principal says i act like him, or maybe becuz i imagine peter as the most devoted apostle, becuz he understood that he was with god, why else would he act like such an idiot?
are we all just bits of dust god decided to make for fun? i know that sounds ridiculous, but think about it! i can do nothing without him. but does he need me?
i did more research about the song *(fin), and the patron saint of lost causes. his name is saint jude. and i want to get a medallion of him, because he is now my favorite saint. and i want to get his picture tattooed in the tramp stamp area, but ya know, really tastefully. or else on my shoulder. or maybe my right wrist. idk. anyways, the song is still stuck in my head and it's written on my heart. because i have felt like a lost cause many times in my life. but, honestly, the lost causes are 10 times more important than anyone else in the world, because there is a Bible verse that says something to the effect of 'w/e you did for the least of these my brothers you did to me.' God wants us to help the lost causes.

you found me - the fray

"You Found Me" is a tough song for me. It's about the disappointment, the heart ache, the let down that comes with life. Sometimes you’re let down, sometimes you’re the one who lets someone else down. It gets hard to know who you can trust, who you can count on. This song came out of a tough time, and I’m still right in the thick of it. There’s some difficult circumstances my family and friends have been going through over the past year or so and can be overwhelming. It wears on me. It demands so much of my faith to keep believing, keep hoping in the unseen. Sometimes the tunnel has a light at the end, but usually they just look black as night. This song is about that feeling, and the hope that I still have, buried deep in my chest.
I kept getting these phone calls from home - tragedy after tragedy... If there is some kind of person in charge of this planet - are they sleeping? Smoking? Where are they? I just imagined running into God standing on a street corner like Bruce Springsteen, smoking a cigarette, and I'd have it out with him.
-Isaac Slade, The Fray

Before you read the rest of this blog, watch this (the second one is taken with a digital camera hanging from a pipe behind one of the guys, watch the first one and see if you can see it):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR4kyadzLzM or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOff1KxOduQ





okay...if you didn't watch, the rest of this will mean nothing, so sorry about your luck.



i found god in a psych ward personally. he didn't smack me over the head or anything. he came to me in the form of a depressed psych patient. ironic, huh?

anyway, this song is really specala to me. especially the part that says "you never sent me no letters, you've got some kind of nerve, taking all i want"

that line is important to me because, and most people don't believe this, but i'm in a really tough time. i won't go into details, but gods been piling on the phone books (will explain in later post). i gave up on him for one day, but didn't really survive to well like that.
i believe we all give up on the world at least once month. maybe more.
giving up somehow seems easier that keeping on. but if you've ever been faced with your own power to take a life, you know the emotional tension. you know what happens to your heart. the power is intoxicating but also humbling. there are few people in the world who can handle life and death without going insane.
what i really believe is that God meets us each somewhere special. im not talking about when you accepted christ. im talking about the moment you yelled at him, your rock bottom. as i said, mine was in a psych ward. i didn't really realize t at the time, but that wasmy rock bottom and my realization. i want to hear, what was your 'you found me' moment?

lost is to found

lost is to found

life is lost
death is found
strange places
all around
shackles removed
but they comeback
lives abused
will you react?
love is not
a worthy gift
life revolves
chronic shift
planets move
block the sun
this pain of mine
just begun
degrees of guilt
of life of death
only moments
final breath
in itself
the gift of life
always ends
remaining strife
love your neighbor
as yourself
who do you
turn to for help?
remember those
who have your back
always adding to the stack
of the pain
hurt and fear
but will you
shed a tear?
life and death
love and hate
how will you reciprocate?
life is lost
death is found
strange faces all around
shackles removed
but they come back
lives abused
will you react?

list of stupid stuff

list of thing you should never do (some of which i have done, but i won't tell you which)

1. Make out with someone you can't remember the name of
2. have a lot of champagne before entering new York city
3. let a guy in NYC twice your age hit on you
4. go back to that guy and get his number
5. snort Prozac
6. smoke anything given to you by someone with over 10 piercings
7. buy banned books from Wal-mart
8. seduce guys who own ninja swords, Tripp pants, and toy cars
9. tell someone the name of your school mascot (OK maybe this only applies to me, our school mascot is a Trojan)
10. take advice from someone who won't let you see the pictures on their camera
11. kiss someone of the same gender to seduce somone else
12. let your best friend feel you up
13. make friends with people only for their drug habits
14. drionk someone elses corona
15. walk barefoot on hot concrete
16. wear a tank top to seduce the mexican workmen
17. drink listerine
18. take pictures while crossing the street
19. ask someone if they have 'shrinkage'
20. (drum roll) try to join wicca

worried?

Worried?


worried guys?
bout my pain?
wondering if i'm sane?
look at me!
see this smile
been there all the while!
y'all come back when you're ready
i'll be waiting here
where the grass is always green
the sky is always blue
neatly trimmed hair
perfect round kick-balls
straight pressed shirts
and the kid in the corner
listing to the side
singing her own song
in her head
dancing to the music
in her brain
the haunting tune
slips from her lips

that is my song
those are my lips
that is my head
listing to the side
WORRIED?

strings attached

have you ever drawn a picture of your heart? i just did it. first off i suggest you only use 3 colors, like the crayons that come with children's menus at restaurants, because humans really aren't that colorful in a 2-d sense, more in a 3-d-omigosh-i-never-saw-that-before-but-there-are-only-limited-colors? way, and trying to project your 3-d self onto a 2-d paper is hard enough without trying to get all those intricate pieces right, which require even more colors that you don't even know about. and anyways you shouldn't need too many colors, you really aren't that complicated, if you think so, you are a little too self centered, or else a little monk-ish. you should also listen to one of those soul-searching musical numbers from rent (such as seasons of love) or whatever musical you really like.





REVELATION OF THIS EXERCISE:


i learned that there is no coincidence (sorry joey). Gods hand is in everything.

i see this specifically because there is one person who kind of started my complete reformation in an unexpected way. i did my picture so that i put names connecting what parts of my life they have impacted.

i also realized that my heart really is as flimsy as that paper. maybe i should crumple it up and rip it in millions of places, tape it and staple it back together, then maybe it will slightly resemble my physical heart and my emotional heart. maybe a more accurate portrayal might be strings in a heart shaped box. get it?

punch line: you get my heart, strings attatched!

digging to china

i was taking a shower and i had an epiphany.
i am an all or nothing person. either I'm perfect, or a rowdy child with a police record or something. get what I'm saying. i, personally, do not act in a passive, or even just a neutral way.
i imagined this as if i were digging to China with this emotion, whatever it is. i imagine maybe once i hit rock bottom with whatever i do I'll just go over to my metaphorical Japan, since it is near China, and start shoveling back through to Australia or England or something. maybe I'll go to Russia next. eventually this metaphorical me will implode from lack of stability. i imagine maybe all people are like their own planet, maybe there is just one or two holes on their surface, or maybe there are many that are covered up by civilizations of various diversities. how many of us explore these 'civilizations' to discover whether or not it is just a scam to divert your attention from the big crater in the center?